DEEP/CLINICAL/SUICIDAL
DEPRESSION
WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR ME
It was like nothing I could have ever imagined!
In August 2000 following disappointing news concerning a possible reconciliation with my husband after a seven-month period of separation due to a deeply wounded marriage, I was drawn into what I can only appropriately describe as an abyss of darkness and mental torment. I will share a bit of my experience with you in the hope that my story will ignite a spark of hope within you and inspire you to hold on until your deliverance comes.
Many roads can lead to deep/clinical/suicidal (these words refer to the same level of the illness and will be used interchangeably in this article) depression. The road that takes one person there may not be the same road that takes another person there. Depression ranges from a mild (usually prolonged) feeling of sadness to an all-embracing and overpowering state of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional paralysis. That state of paralysis was what it was like for me. It robbed me of normal functionality in every sphere of my life and kept me in a state of lifelessness; that is, a state of feeling dead in my spirit. It made me completely devoid of the ability to experience any form of joy, happiness, enjoyment or excitement, and I lived in a state of continuous and extreme feelings of hopelessness.
My Best Advice
Depression is a mental affliction that can be treated medically - see your doctor for treatment.
See a psychologist or counsellor if you are able to do so.
Seek out and speak with someone who has experienced clinical depression and can identify with your experience and give counselling and support. It gives great relief to know you are not alone in the dark.
Speak with as many people as you feel it necessary to speak with, especially Christians who can pray with and for you, in order to offload some of your heaviness. Depression is too heavy to bear alone; seek out compassionate family members, relatives and friends.
Buy and read a book about someone else's experience with and victory over clinical depression or go online and read other people's stories of depression in order to find a ray of light and be assured that you are not the first or only person who has experienced this agony.
Read the Bible for comfort and God's assurance of His goodness, especially Job, the Psalms, Isaiah and Jeremiah. You will find very comforting passages in these books of the Bible.
Go to Church and try to praise God. Even if the depression makes it impossible for you to praise God, just be there so that the praise and worship and the Word can subconsciously seep into your spirit and lift you up over time.
Cry out to God daily, hourly, and by the minute for grace and strength to go through. You may or may not get immediate relief but over time, if you hang on, relief and deliverance will come. If the depression makes it impossible for you to pray, just groan out your pain, heaviness and darkness to God, and He will hear your groaning and grant you grace to help in your time of desperate need.
Cry as often as you feel the need to cry; don't hold back the tears. Crying is healing, so thankfully the depression itself pulls it out of you anyway, and that's an inbuilt healing mechanism.
Keep the number for a 24-hour prayer ministry handy so that if you need to speak with someone in the middle of the night, there are Christian people available around the clock who can counsel and pray for you.
Try to get out of bed and out of the house, even just to sit in your backyard and take in the sunlight, breeze and nature scenes.
Do not give up. Persist in doing the above things even if and when they are most difficult to do. Getting out of depression is a fight; you MUST ask God to give you the grace and the strength to fight, and when you do - please FIGHT.
Be patient with the processing of suffering. God often gives birth to beautiful things through the process of suffering.
The sun shines on all our clouds. My dark clouds had a silver lining which I could not see.
My experience with this malady started within one week of my husband’s rejection of reconciliation, and I went from being a normal, happy and joyful Christian woman to being a woman who was caught up in a maelstrom of emotional, physical, spiritual and mental collapse. That collapse was brought on by an emotional pain that was so intense it was humanly impossible to bear it without crumbling. In that condition, all the energy was sapped from my body, and a general state of lethargy took over. The simplest of tasks became most difficult to perform, and it took a strong will and immense effort to get anything done. I was unable to eat and quickly lost twenty-three pounds, settling at ninety-four and a half pounds for several months. Whatever little I managed to eat was made possible by taking an appetite stimulant.
Sleep eluded me at night and my bed became a bed of torment with thoughts that went on rapid as if powered by batteries that could not die. I had frequent nightmares about a painfully broken and lost marriage and seeing my husband with someone else in tow. My thoughts completely controlled me and robbed me of my peace of mind. Sleep came to me only in the later hours of early morning. My bed, in fact, played the dual role of comforter by day and tormentor by night.
Day and night my thoughts were fixated on death and suicide. I did not want to live because the agony of the depression was unbearable and I often asked God to take my life. I constantly thought of various ways in which I could end my life. Quite often the need for relief was so great and I was so afraid of what the condition might eventually drive me to do to myself, that I felt I should have committed myself to a hospital to be placed under suicidal watch.
Alongside that was the inevitable and frequently recurring feeling that I would lose my mind. It was as though I was constantly perching quite precariously on the brink of insanity, which was an extremely frightening situation. I could feel a range of weird sensations in my head, and it was as though something there would snap at any minute. There was also a recurring pressure in the region of my heart, which gave me a continual feeling that my 'heartstring' would snap at any moment.
I became sharply aware of my mind as I constantly perceived the dullness and fuzziness of the mind. Nothing was clear; everything was mentally darkened, blurred and difficult to grasp. Stated simply, everything seemed unreal. This has convinced me that the dwelling place of the mind is in the head because that was where I sensed all the darkness and fuzziness.
My physical vision was also darkened by the depression (yes, deep depression can literally darken the eyes). Also weird was the constant awareness of my face. I was acutely aware of my face being there in its place because the depression brought on an intense case of bruxism (teeth-grinding) in which the bottom and top rows of my teeth were constantly clamped tightly together. This caused my jawbones to hurt and feel tired at all times, accounting for the constant awareness of my face.
A twin condition that was integral to the depression was a massive heaviness of the spirit (a crushing weight) combined with an extreme feeling of hopelessness. The two went hand-in-hand. That twin condition was the worst aspect - the real sting - of the depression and could have been my demise. I refer to them as a twin condition because if for some reason that crushing weight of the spirit somehow became a little lighter, the feeling of hopelessness would subside proportionally.
To understand the intensity of heaviness of the spirit I am talking about, recall that you might have felt a little heavy in your spirit at some time in your life. Now, imagine taking that little heaviness and magnifying it one hundred times. You now end up with a spirit that is so heavy and unbearable it feels like it could literally take your breath away. This deadweight was like a ton of steel sitting on my chest day and night. The heaviness of my spirit became distracting, and I became preoccupied with it for the entire two-and-a-half-year course of the depression. That was the aspect of the depression that completely suppressed the emotion of joy and happiness and the ability to enjoy anything and everything.
The most threatening aspect of the depression was the hopelessness that abounded throughout the prolonged course that it ran. Due to such depth of hopelessness, I could see only one way out - death! It seemed there would never be an end to the condition - like the depression would never end. That unfathomable sense of hopelessness made me think of death and suicide daily.
Try to imagine a scenario in which you live daily, hourly, minute-by-minute in an agonising situation in which it seems your emotions, mind, spirit and body have all turned against you at the same time. Imagine also that this brings such intense torment that it seems each part is in competition with the other parts to see if it can torment you more than the other parts. If you can imagine such a scenario then you have a slight idea of the suffering involved in clinical depression. Imagine further that you cannot visualise or perceive an end to this torment. That was exactly what suicidal depression was like for me. In that state of being, thoughts of death and suicide were my unrelenting companions. In that situation, I embraced the relief that death could bring. I saw it as a far better alternative to such unbearable suffering.
It was only the grace of God that stood between me and that finality.
He made me lie down in green pastures. He led me beside still waters.
Deep depression impregnated me with a book and upon my emergence from it, the book came pouring out of me like water from a jar.
Firstly, I felt the need to let anyone suffering in general, and suffering from suicidal depression in particular, know that no matter how bad, painful and agonising the situation is and no matter how hopeless it appears to be, there is rest and hope in Jesus Christ. A sense of hopelessness abounds in our prolonged dark situations. In clinical depression, it comes with the package, and the twain will not be separated. Because clinical depression seems (very convincingly) hopeless, it does not mean it is hopeless.
Secondly, I wanted people to know that the be-all-and-end-all of my experience was God. He was the most important part of that experience; He was bigger and mightier than that colossal event. He is the thread that runs through the tapestry of the book. He is the only One that can bring you, me, anyone and everyone out of that which we think we can never survive.
The third purpose is detailed in the book but suffice it to say it concerns the persistent struggle so many people have with believing that God forgave them for that horrible sin they asked forgiveness for. As a result, they live with great guilt and a lingering sense of condemnation. During my depression, I struggled with believing that God had forgiven me for the sin of adultery. That struggle to believe and accept God’s forgiveness was a first-time experience for me, and it created intense unrest. I believe my experience, which is detailed in the book, can help to set people free. That first-time experience taught me a solid lesson: that the struggle many people face in believing that God has forgiven them for something is painfully real.
Subsequent to writing the book, I had another experience with the Lord between July and December 2008. I am daring to share it because not all experiences are easy or even advisable to share openly. However, it was a wonderful experience that set me free and I am praying that in sharing it, many others will be set free also.
So, here we go. The Bible talks about the sin that so easily besets us, and I suppose everyone has (or had) a particular sin that besets him or her. I also had my besetting sin which I know that many people, even Christians, wrestle with it.
Committing my besetting sin would always cause a deep sense of guilt afterwards. I hated that feeling of guilt and I wanted to break the habit but I was unable to do so. It became a real struggle and caused deep spiritual pain each time. I often asked the Lord for forgiveness for the same sin. The longer this besetting sin continued, the greater and more uncomfortable the struggle became and the greater I felt the need for deliverance. I once told the Lord that I was so tired of asking for forgiveness for that one sin that I would no longer do so. The struggle continued and my need for forgiveness continued so in frustration I continued to ask for it.
One day in my desperation, I got the grand idea to make God a promise that I would never commit that sin again. Now, God takes a promise very seriously and I figured that surely, out of fear of God after making Him that promise I would never again fall into that besetting sin. All that happened was that I ended up asking God to forgive me for making that promise because I could not keep it. My struggle with my besetting sin continued.
Somewhere between July and December 2008, my besetting sin reared its ugly head again, after which I felt sick to the pit of my stomach from guilt and a feeling of ultimate defeat.
As I sat there in deep remorse, I slowly turned my head from left to right in painful defeat. As my face reached to the complete right I closed my eyes, and immediately upon closing my eyes, Jesus stared directly into my closed eyes and simultaneously said to me loudly in my spirit, 'Oh my child, how can I not forgive you?' Tears of joy and gratitude come to my eyes many times when I remember this encounter with the Lord, like right now as I am typing this.
However, the story continues… The Bible says that God is love, and that day when my closed eyes stared back directly into the eyes of Jesus, it was as though I was staring into two deep oceans of the purest, purest, purest LOVE imaginable (or unimaginable?). I was staring into two deep oceans of PURE LOVE, which were the eyes of Jesus. That was the most glorious of my glorious experiences with the Lord. I saw His face through my closed eyes. I saw LOVE!
And the story still continues… That experience with the God who is Love was what brought me my deliverance from my besetting sin. It did not all happen immediately or overnight but it waned off significantly (by my calculation 80% at first) until it is no more.
following the above interjection of my three-fold purpose for writing the book, I now go back to the topic of clinical depression and suicide:
I learned on the international news that the 2008 global recession had a serious mental effect on many high-profile financiers, resulting in depression and suicide among many of them. That was not confined to high-profile financiers, as many everyday people experienced the same mental effects and feelings of hopelessness and also turned to taking their own lives. These are indeed frightening times, and I would like to propose that we do not have to resort to taking our lives if we become overwhelmed and mentally depressed. God reigns majestically and we can run to Him for refuge and protection from our own selves. Whatever may be happening to you, it did not take Him by surprise. We need to remember that the Most High rules in the kingdom of men…' (Daniel 4:17) and He has the power to take us through the fires and the floods of hardship and suffering and make us stronger and better through the experience.
This may be a ‘hard pill to swallow' for many of us, but suffering does have its positive side, which we usually do not see until we have gone through the process. The good side of suffering is seen after we have suffered, and there is much evidence in the Word of God to prove that many times He allows us to suffer, while He uses the process to do wonderful things in our lives. He creates sweetness out of bitterness.
Let us, therefore, go through our periods of suffering, knowing fully well that if we cling to God like He is the most precious possession we have (which, in fact, He is), we can come out on the other side unharmed, stronger and better. And remember, I speak from personal experience, not from theory. Remember also, my suffering was the kind that drives many people to take their own lives for relief but because I clung to God with all my being, I came out as pure gold, stronger, better, full of purpose, happy and fulfilled.
Who says there is no life after suicidal depression? That was what I believed while going through it. But I never let go of the Lord. My soul panted for Him just like David’s in Psalm 42:1, and I cried out to Him daily for help and deliverance while delving into His Word.
It is also extremely important to know or remember that those suffering from clinical depression must seek medical and psychological help. This helps to bring relief to the situation even though it may not bring healing overnight.
The course of depression will also vary from person to person, from situation to situation. My depression started to taper off after two and a half years. Others’ depression has run shorter or longer courses. People who suffer from the condition or know others who do should not treat the situation lightly and think the sufferer can snap out of it. This is a great misconception.
Can someone who is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or schizophrenia snap out of it? No. Neither can someone who is suffering from clinical depression. Believe me, if the sufferer could snap out of it he or she would most definitely not want to suffer that agony for half an hour, much less weeks, months or years. Sufferers of clinical depression need patient and understanding friends and family members who will be there for them and allow them (if they so desire) to talk - maybe a lot - about their suffering. Pray for them and pray with them if you can. The sweetest words I could hear from anyone during my time was 'I am praying for you'.
Those words were like a healing balm.
Honestly, those who suffer from clinical depression do not want to hear that they must be strong and/or positive because in hearing this, they are made to think that you believe that it is because of their own weakness or wrong thought process that they are in the hell they find themselves in. This adds insult to injury. Believe me, they cannot help themselves, they cannot be strong, and if they are truly suffering from clinical depression, positive thinking is next to impossible.
Positive thinking is not a recipe for avoiding, or recovering from, clinical depression. While positive thinking is a virtue that should be practised and made a permanent part of our thought process, it has nothing to do with relieving the sufferer from clinical depression just like negative thinking has nothing to do with the onset or perpetuation of it. Also, one does not voluntarily get into or out of clinical depression. Clinical depression just happens and is out of the victim’s control.
My only strength was in leaning heavily on God and His word.
And so, in writing this piece, I want you who are suffering from clinical depression to understand that, I know you may not be able to believe that my suffering was as great as yours, because neither could I believe that anyone else’s suffering could ever have been as great as mine.
I felt I was the only person on earth who had ever experienced something so monstrous and I did not believe anyone could understand what I was going through. I started to educate myself and found out that many people had been there before me and could indeed understand what I was going through, and that brought relief.
So, now you know that someone, in fact, thousands, have been to exactly where you are at now and have survived to testify that there is life, a beautiful life, after this horror story. We, too, did not believe it was possible to survive; we too, could not see a single ray of light or hope and we too embraced the thought of death and suicide just to escape the kind of suffering that I thought no living thing had the ‘right’ to experience.
To you, I say, make it all about God. Talk to Him often, very often, if you can. Cry and moan and groan to Him if you cannot pray. Swallow up His Word if you are able to (I found Isaiah, Job and the Psalms most comforting) and persevere in trusting Him even when it continues to look hopeless and when your faith falls to the ground a thousand times. Do not let Him out of your spiritual sight and do not let Him out of your thoughts, even when thoughts of death and suicide set themselves up for predominance in your thinking. You can survive, you can get through this and you will sing the praises of God when He makes all things beautiful once more.
He restored my soul
and
lifted my head.
