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CHAPTER 5

 

GETTING TO KNOW GOD

 

PHILIPPIANS

Chapter 3:10

 

That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death.

 

...'That I may know Him'...

 

THERE is a song by a popular local gospel group that I love dearly. It talks about just wanting to know God so well. I often sang that song, and it was always a prayer from my heart when I sang it.

 

I have learned that the way to truly get to know God is through hardship and suffering. Oh sure, I was a Christian for over twenty years before I experienced real suffering (which I will expand on next). I attended Church regularly, I was involved in several ministries, I knew my Bible fairly well, I developed my relationship with God, I did everything that was expected as a child of God and I thought I knew everything there was to know about Him, but I was about to enter into the valley of deeper revelation.

 

...'and the power of His resurrection' ...

 

Jesus Christ is the resurrection and the life (St. John 11:25).

There is nothing in our lives so dead that His resurrection power cannot make it alive again. My circumstances came under His resurrection power, and as you read along, you will see how He brought many dead situations in my life, back to life. Nothing can remain dead under the resurrection power of the Lord Jesus Christ -- nothing.

 

...'and the fellowship of His suffering…'

 

My suffering started on that fateful Thursday when I woke up and discovered that God had restored my love for my spouse. The ecstasy I felt at the start of the day was short-lived as my husband turned up at a family gathering (that same day) with someone else by his side. Before I made the connection, I spoke briefly with him, and his eyes sparkled; and of course, I thought they were sparkling for me. However, as time progressed, I started to sense that something was not right in 'my paradise'. By the end of the day, I was a bundle of pain. It took me only a few days to plunge into the depth of depression after having dinner with my husband and hearing from him that he was not interested in reconciliation at that time. He also offered very little hope for reconciliation at a future date; all he kept saying was that I should be positive.

 

How ironic that re-discovery of love for my husband should have happened at such a time. Why did God allow it?  For one thing, this book would not have been written if it had not happened, and all the good that came out of this dramatic situation is the storyline of this book. Sometimes we just cannot see or understand the purposes of God, but we just have to, in faith, accept that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). We just have to acknowledge that His ways are past finding out (Romans 11:33) and that He is sovereign and in total control of our circumstances.

 

Well, acceptance of the loss of my marriage slowly dawned, and thus began my period of great suffering. I can only try to express what I have been through, but you will not fully understand unless you have already gone through this same valley or are at present going through it. I went into suicidal depression which continued unabated for over two years. I will share with you some of what I went through as a result of the depression, an affliction which in my estimation is the worst thing that can befall mankind. This grave depression ran concurrently with the ultimate feeling of loss I experienced in thinking I had lost God also, so imagine the anguish I went through.

 

I could not eat, and so I went down from 110 pounds to 94.5 pounds. My clothes hung on me like they hang on a clothes hanger. As this was the case, I usually felt so sick and weak. Even with an appetite stimulant, I was able to eat only a very small amount of food, which I had to fight to swallow. My stomach seemed to repulse food, and my throat seemed to lock down whenever I tried to swallow. After several months, I cried out to God to grant me my appetite back so I would not have to take an appetite stimulant daily in order to eat. God shortly restored my appetite, and I never once had to touch that thing again. I have eaten normally since and have steadily regained my weight.

 

I could not sleep, because the depression so tormented me at night, and the little sleep I got produced nightmares and visions I would rather not have seen. These visions involved my husband and his new friend together or me being back in the matrimonial home but not quite fitting in. I would always awaken from those dreams in such emotional pain.

 

I could barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings because the weight of the depression was so heavy it crushed me. I felt like I was carrying a ton on my chest. What made it worse was that for over two years, every single day, on awakening from whatever little sleep I got in the wee hours of the morning, my husband was always, always -- always, the first thing on my mind. From the exact instant my eyes opened from sleep, he was present, on my mind.

 

On occasions too numerous to recall, I felt like I was going crazy. Now, this one I cannot describe. Only God could understand those sensations in my head. I really thought I was going to lose it. My studies came to an abrupt end. I could not read the newspaper, listen to the radio or watch television. I did not want to hear music of any kind, and consider this from someone who considered herself to have music in her bones. All those activities made me feel like I was going crazy. I could not understand what was happening to me.

 

One night after coming home from a computer class I had 'attempted' (rightly so because I was there basically in body only) I went straight to the telephone and did a three-way call with my sister in St. Elizabeth and my sister-in-law in Kingston and told them I was afraid because I felt like I was about to lose my mind. I cried uncontrollably throughout the conversation because I was frightened of what was happening and the sensations in my head were so weird. They talked and prayed with me, and I managed to make it through another night. 

 

On another occasion at about one-thirty in the morning, this feeling was so overwhelming that I had to talk to someone. I did not know whom to call at that time of the morning, but I just had to talk to someone or I felt I would certainly lose my mind if I did not. I eventually mustered the courage to dial the number of someone I had known for about twenty years, but whom I was totally out of touch with except that we had crossed each other’s path about a year earlier. The telephone rang several times without an answer, so I hung up. However, I still had to talk with someone, so I picked up my cellular telephone and dialled the number of an overseas Christian ministry and briefly explained my desperation. The telephone counsellor encouraged and prayed with me, and I was finally able to go to bed greatly relieved from the pressure in my head, after crying a little.

 

I could not read the New Testament of my Bible, because there was always something there to remind me of the adultery I had committed and make my already heavy spirit much heavier.  I only read Job, the Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah and a few other Old Testament books. I related this experience to a young man with whom I spoke regularly, who was also going through a marital breakup, and he told me he had a similar difficulty in reading the New Testament. I found great comfort in knowing this was not exclusive to my situation.

 

I could not function in Church, at home or at work. Talk about work! That is a story in itself. It was ONLY by the grace and favour of God that I still had my job. I was an embarrassment to myself, and I believe everyone felt the frustration of my performance, which had practically dropped to zero. My employers, however, despite their weariness of me, helped and encouraged me through that great ordeal.

 

I was washed daily by mighty waves of hopelessness. I felt like 'Humpty Dumpty' -- broken, un-whole and 'unputbackable'. So many times I reached the point where I wanted to give up because I just did not have the strength spiritually, mentally, emotionally nor physically to carry on, and yet, I had a job that I had to go to and fall apart on every day and a sweet, precious daughter who had not even yet reached age ten to live for and take care of. I felt like a child myself, who needed someone to take care of me. I was tempted on a few occasions to invite some relative from the country to come and take care of me for pay. 

 

NOTHING brought me joy or pleasure anymore; I did not want to go anywhere nor do anything. Life is full of many little pleasures, and every day there is something to enjoy. This, however, was no longer the case for me.

 

I was just like a restless ocean with irritability, a condition which was almost unbearable. I could not sit nor stand still, being constantly fidgety and agitated. Whenever I sat, my hands just kept going, and I could not sit for long before getting up again or moving from one place to another.

 

I took anti-depression pills, sometimes three per day, almost every day for well over one year, and while they helped to ease the pain and depression somewhat, they put my life at risk because sometimes on my way to work in the mornings, I would find myself almost falling asleep around the steering wheel, coming too close to someone’s car bumper or almost running off the road onto the sidewalk. But, I just could not function without the pills. I cried out to God and asked Him to take me off them, and He did. Even though I was still deeply depressed, God made me able to function without them.

 

I lacked energy and had to push and will myself to do everything.

 

My mind lacked clarity and focus, and the simplest tasks became the greatest tasks because of the great difficulty I found in doing everything. I learned during my ordeal that such depth of depression can literally dim the eyes, and I had this experience several times even with the wearing of my eyeglasses. 

 

I experienced various nervous conditions including an involuntary twitching of my lower jaw and grinding teeth (bottom and top rows of teeth tightly clamped together at all times). My jawbones actually hurt and felt tired from that condition.

 

I felt I would never get out of what I was going through and that this was the longest period of my life.

 

Tears came easily and unexpectedly, no matter where I was. This sometimes caused great embarrassment especially when it happened on the job. I often had to run to the restroom so no one would see me cry. My red eyes and nose always told on me, though.

 

I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE. I prayed often that God would take my life and I was bombarded by suicidal thoughts. I never felt a compelling desire to take my life but the thoughts were my constant companion, and no matter how hard I tried to banish them from my mind, they would not go: (Why not just walk out into the road and let a vehicle hit you down? Why not jump from the balcony? Why not just use the knife you have in your hand and do something? Why was it that person that died and not me?). Such were my running thoughts. Sometimes I wished I could have gathered them all together and tied them to the bedpost.  

 

My self-esteem and self-confidence took a nosedive, especially on the job, and I kept comparing myself to the other person in my husband’s life. I felt she had everything above me, and I felt so small and valueless to my husband.

 

Groaning became a prayer language for me because so often when I felt the need to pray, or when the pain was so intense, the only thing I could do was groan. Sometimes when the pain was so unbearable I would hug and squeeze myself tightly and just groan, but the groaning was literally like having a conversation with God. 

 

Imagine living all that, with everything happening at the same time, for almost two years with very insignificant relief. I wept and cried out to God day and night, and through that period of great darkness, I witnessed His greater faithfulness like never before. God and I have walked through the fire, through the flood and through the tempest, and it is my heart’s greatest desire to give Him all the glory for this mighty deliverance.

 

And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

 

Jeremiah 24:7